Thursday, 8 August 2013
The Law of Attraction in Adoption .
My creative mind has taken a bit of a bashing lately , thinking of a subject to blog on when life is giving you lemons is tough at times .
Since April , I have lost my cat and my 18 year old dog .My husband was made redundant six weeks ago ,resulting in having to take on part time work and take a lodger in to help with the finances .My husbands mum has been taken into a nursing home with dementia leaving his elderly father bereft of his wife of 55 years ,all very sad.We have been dealing with Lauren coming home after being in a Domestic Violence relationship and we became grandparents to sweet little Georgia.
Amy is doing well as a mum although I was becoming concerned as her partners sister& boyfriend and five children came to visit and have decided to stay !
Needless to say I was not pleased considering they only live in a tiny flat and felt the noise was not good for the new baby .
I am now happy to say , I have taken a step back .Amy is doing really well and I certainly have no concerns about Georgia's well being now. Amy's decision to dye her hair bright pink today is another issue .!!!!!!!
A very strange thing happens with adopted children , some of you may already be experiencing what I am about to discuss and I hope it will put your mind at rest that things are normal !
When we take on children who have suffered early life trauma our hopes are to heal their pain and hopefully show them a better ,less dysfunctional way to live within your family .
The one repetitive pattern I began to notice often with the girls were their choice of friends .
The girls have a couple of very close friends who are neighbours and have remained close to this day .They have grown up together and are almost like siblings at times which can be amusing .
Their house is very busy and vibrant with masses of children buzzing around .There was lots of baking , pets everywhere and their mum Sarah was far more chilled than I could every be with mayhem .
At times I took it all a bit personally ,it seemed they preferred them to us. Eventially I began to recognise that it was the buzzing environment that reminded them of life with their siblings and their large birth family rather than us which attracted them to a noisier environment .
In school they always attracted children who had similar issues .I found it amazing that the friends that came to tea after school always appeared to have ADHD , be In foster care or still in dysfunctional family units where parents were in prison or addicted to Alchohol and drugs.The similarities were obvious from the very beginning .
As the children reached teenage years this escalated and slowly it becomes much harder to control .
Amy was more likely than Lauren to bring home friends with issues . I was often left worn out listening to friends who lacked confidence and attention in their family units .
One of Amy's friends was called Sheena , her family was very large .Sheena developed a knack of turning up at tea time with her little sister .I would offer them tea which they never refused and they always said their mum wouldn't mind .
Children learn very quickly how to survive , knowing they would recieve food at our house enabled these children not to go hungry.
Sheena had a brother called Mikey who began to take a liking to Amy .Amy was about twelve at the time , but very interested already in boys ..Amy started to make excuses to meet him , he was about sixteen.
We had also heard rumours via Sheena that he had abused his sister and I had reported this to Social services .
Needless to say ,my husband and I were not going to approve of this relationship and told her she was too young to see him and she was grounded .
Amy was a child who did not take well to being told no,and decided that if she was not allowed to see him she would escape .
When our backs were turned , packed bag in hand she made her escape over the back wall .
Amy was determined when she decided to do something but also very frightened so it wasn't long before the jungle drums passed a message to us that she had escaped .
I have never seen my husband so mad and he set of to find Amy and this young boy.
Suddenly Amy came running into the house screaming that Dad was going to kill Mikey .I ran out side into our quiet suburban street to view young Mikey pinned to the wall with his feet dangling above my six foot three husband looking pretty terrified .
Eventually after telling this boy , in no uncertain terms that if he ever came near our daughter again he would regret it , he released him to the ground .We returned to the house ,complete with an audience of neighbours who had come out view us turn our quiet street into a scene from Eastenders.
Any incident like this would throw Amy into a rage and it would take days of taking privileges away , phones , TV anything I could do to regain some control in a child who at that time was far too big and strong to use holding therapy anymore.
Mikey did appear at another time about two years later .John and I had a very rare lovely day out together and felt very relaxed .Amy was meeting some friends but when we arrived home a very angry child appeared home completely high on weed .This was our first experience of drugs but we knew straight away that something was fuelling Amy's wrath .
A huge row broke out and I said she was not allowed out again that day . Amy was impossible to reason with and her language and anger was way beyond our control .Eventially she ran out swearing and slammed the door .
As the evening progressed their was no sign of Amy and by nine o'clock I decided to ring the police.I got the impression they thought I was overreacting as Amy was 14 but I refused to be fobbed off as a neurotic mother .As I filled them in on the details , a mention of this boys second name was enough to spur them into action.
Eventually the police picked Amy up and reluctantly returned her too us even more venomous than she left . Amy had been stunned that we had rung the police and had got a fright which was our plan .
Boundaries become very hard to keep as children get to adolescence .The girls still tell people they had to be in by nine o'clock up to when they left home .
Hard as it was ,I hung on for dear life to my curfew ,as they would often refuse to come home and they knew I meant what I said about locking the door at nine .
Having little children with attatchment issues is difficult . Teenagers are a whole different story .Be prepared for a rocky ride , do not listen to people who say 'All teenagers behave like this ' .Beleive me I have watched all my friends bring their teenagers up and not one of them have gone through what we did .
It is different ,Adoptees always have a sense of being ,different, not belonging .At Adolesance this escalates.This is the time they really begin to want to find an identity , work out why things happen and as Adopted parents they may hate you as you are all they can take their pain out on and believe me that hurts .
I hope if you are reading this , fear is not setting in at the thought of teenage rebellion .Just take note of the friends they are mixing with now and see if you can spot similarities . Like attracts Like and that is fact .
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