If you have read my previous posts you will remember we met Kirsty shortly after the girls were placed .We were aware that Kirsty was at a very fragile time in her life , and was not taking the loss of her sisters very well .Kirsty was not attending school often ,and was self harming .The Foster parents were really having a difficult time as she would set off to see mum and the rest of the family and there was nothing they could do .
Nearing the next visit I received a call to say that Kirsty would not be seeing the girls for a while as it was so painful .We were very sad about this as we knew how much the girls were looking forward to seeing her.
Obviously the girls were devastated by this news and we tried our best to explain things to them .We decided to tell them about Kirsty running away as we felt we could no longer keep it from them .
It was very sad , we always asked the girls to sit around the table if there was any important information to be passed to them .We found it quite amusing as they would always say "oh great ,what's happened now ?" Even when we might just want them to sit down and calm down for a few minutes.
It was hard for them to hear, but vital to express how Kirsty was feeling about losing them .The girls accepted that she loved them so much,but was hurting.It was easier for them to understand knowing the facts.
Unfortunately there was always a fallout when telling the children any news around their birth family
Amy would usually fly into a rage at some point .Over the following days Lauren would often develop a cold or another minor ailment to enable extra mothering and a day at home with mum.
So contact stopped for a while with Kirsty and it was about a year before we met up again.
We continued contact with Toni and Kieron every three months as we had decided .
After a few visits to Paultons Park and Marwell Zoo we spoke to the Adoption Support workers about how the long drives and short time together was affecting all the children .
We all decided that it may be better if Toni and Kieron's Foster parents met us half way and would be less unsettling than being picked up by a different worker each visit.
We decided Ice Skating would be fun and arranged to meet in Basingstoke .
I always remember them pulling up with a very flash people carrier and realising that not only had they brought Toni and Kieron they had brought their own son , and two foster children .
There was a a sweet little girl who had suffered sexual abuse she was about five and very sadly acted flirtatiously around my husband ,he was a little taken back but tried to ignore it .
The little boy had foetal alcohol syndrome ,it was the first time I had ever seen the effects that chronic drinking can have on an unborn child and felt moved to see his tiny pixie like features ,he was like a little elf .
How lucky Amy and Lauren had been ,I have medical notes that say when the placenta came away the fluid was alcohol .How can this be prevented once a mother is pregnant ,even if Social Services and doctors are aware they must feel so powerless to the outcome . A pregnancy must run its course .The damage is happening before these poor children take their first breath ,let alone what's awaiting them as they are born into families who are unable to care for themselves never mind a 24 hr a day new baby.
We were not impressed that they had brought all the family and neither were our girls.
We had fun skating , John and I joined in for a while ,but we are no Torvill and Dean .
One remark I remember from that day and it never left me ,was from the mouth of Toni and Kieron's foster carer.I was talking over difficulties we were having and she said "It's different for you , I only have them until they are 18 .You've got them for life " At that moment I saw why Adoption is good for children they become yours , I may not have given birth to them but I have and will be their mother until the day I die.
I am feeling emotional writting this . Adoption is for Life , not to be disrupted after placement . It is vital that families get the support they need to allow these children to remain in a secure ,happy environment .I just wonder if this will happen when the process is quickened ,the red tape loosened .Will we see more children being sent back into the care system ,only to end up in multiple placements and eventually leaving care with no support and loving family to help them make mistakes and learn until they reach a mature age in the real world.
I feel I have gone off the subject slightly , but I am passionate that all parents that decide to adopt and look after these children that have suffered Early Life Trauma get the support they need and require to do their job.Yes ,you are parents but it is also the most important job you will ever do .
I acknowledge that ,after years of being ashamed to say I was a stay at home mum.
After skating we has lunch in a pizza house which was loud and enjoyable . Toni was not relaxed due to her Bulimia and I remember wanting to punch her carer as she told her that she would not get pudding because she had not eaten all her pizza .
Sometimes it is so hard to watch how some people make things worse .
The day was quite succesful , although Amy was quite disruptive as she had never liked Bev .We were in a park and she just went over and threw another child to the ground to get control of the spring horse she wanted to play on .
Amy was usually pretty well behaved at contact meetings ,so this was a very exhausting experience to deal with as well as the complexity of the day .
I do believe she had a good judge of the character that was Toni and Kieron's foster mother.
Toni and Kieron have now both left their Foster carers and Toni left in a temper one day , she struggles making sense of her upbringing and has problems with drugs and managing finances.
After this visit , I decided there had to be change as these meeting were for our children and their siblings and this situation was not going to work .
In my next post I will discuss the new arrangements and how Kirsty decided to join us again .
It sounds complicated and it was , but so is life ,the path is never straight.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
and though they are with you ,yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit,not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them ,but seek not to make them like you.
From The Prophet Kahlil Gibran .
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Thank you so much for linking up to the Weekly Adoption Shout Out. You have so much information to share...and it's lovely to see the photos too.
ReplyDeleteWe have ditched the social workers and the impact and assessments on out contact. We have also now ditched the 'days out' approach, instead we go into a self catering holiday let and just hang out with an overnight stay. Doing normal things - like having breakfast, brushing out teeth and watching tv - free from general public, free from social norms - it making our visits with CHT's sister much easier and the time we spend together now feels - real.
ReplyDeleteI love this Kahlil Gibran piece. Have you hear it in song? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCVvoL_F5gA